Chapter 108 — The Diary
Mason took a few steps and sank into the chair, turning on the table lamp. Then he put the diary on the table, pausing and then opens it. His eyes caught the warning "Read only after my death."
Mason blinked in surprise and turns over the page.
May 15
I hope that nobody should read my writing. I do not want to die. But if suddenly this happens, I want you, my dear, should know what I feel and how much I love you. I'm not an expert to speak out things like these, especially now. But I can trust it to the diary.
Always wanted to write some little romance and got my part of glory. Huh!
May 20
Well it was as usually. Just I decided to start my diary when I had to abandon it. My chemo's so exhausting that I can do nothing except it.
May 25
I can not sleep at night; I wander around the house, barely moving my feet. Do not have the strength even to pick my baby Christine up! It is terrible to feel the power go out of you like water though a sand. I hate it; I want not to be helpless! Almost every night I hear your cry, Teddy. It breaks my heart... I so want to comfort you, but do not know how I can. At me you always try to smile. Even if your eyes are wet with tears. You think I do not see it, silly old girl!
May 30
Larry arrived here. Teddy scowls at him, and Mary hides behind me when she sees him. My brother in trouble, he is afraid and therefore behaves like bad guy, but I'm still glad to see him. One twin's like half of full.
June 1
The atmosphere is warming up. Teddy and Larry look daggers at each other and Mary following me like my tail. So sweet little baby girl, and she feel everything. Today she asked me "Dad, you'll die?" I choked. Where did you get that idea? Mrs. Ginters said that you have a terrible disease and you will die soon. Thank you, Mrs. Ginters! Well, what I suppose to answer? Of course I said that Mrs. Ginters is not a doctor and did not know who dies and who does not. My baby girl's eyes just shining!
Mason swallowed. He so vividly pictured baby Mary with shining eyes that he got the limp up his throat. But he forced himself to turn the page.
June 3
My hairs falls out, I look like a freak. Christine even did not recognize me after I cut out the remains of my hair. Mary scared too, her eyes enormous. Larry scoffing, Teddy gets angry with him and trying to assure me that this is all the rage. I want not see it!
June 5
The last days I'm trying to leave out despite the fact that Mary horrified looks after me every time... Maybe it's better if she gets used... No, I do not give up. But how hard to pull me out of bed every morning, and then again go out to that nasty room and again feel like in hell. Often I catch myself thinking that I want all of it to be ended sooner. But I can not leave Teddy and my girls! God, give me more strength! Christine is just little baby, do not let her to lose her daddy!
Today I spent on the shore the whole day... its feels so good. Do not even want to go home. Only one thing was bad — as I'm alone as I always think about death and begin to limp. And I can not afford it. I need the strength to survive.
June 7
Today I meet the boy in the caves... He sat in the next one and heard how I mumble something under my breath. We talked, and then he runs away. But it was like a breath of fresh air! However, he thinks that we had the same age... my voice was disfigured in cave's tunnels. Let go on... its looks even easier.
Well, it is... Mason feels muffled beating of his heart in complete silence of the studio. But... he listened: somewhere downstairs he's heard children's laughter and screams. He sighed and went back to reading.
June 9
The boy came to our meeting, even though I'm not really expected. Mystery always attracts. And we do not know even the names of each other — we call each other up with: I'm Chris Rock, and he's Brownie Boomer. At his age, I would have been crazy about this mystery too. Too pity that I had to lay him, but the truth will destroy both of us.
June 10
Mary gladly teases Larry and my brother has been offended as a little boy. Funny both. It's even Teddy understood it and no longer gets angry when his older girl perfects her ingenuity and wit. I'm so sorry that we never had a boy!
June 11
More one week of chemo and I'll get the break. We must somehow survive... My cave-friend regularly comes into his cave and we have talks about life through the wall. At such moments it seems to me that I was going back to my childhood and just play with my best friend. Too pity that we are so different. I would like to ride on the bike and swim in the surf together with him.
June 15
My chemo and meetings in caves are too exhausting that I fell asleep as my head touching the pillow and just have not a time to writing my diary... I see that Teddy gets scared by my absence and my twin brother have just dark face when I return.
June 17
Well, my chemo finally finished! I have a few weeks for a rest! My tests are good; doctors say that I'm going well. They, of course, skilled liars, but I am happy even after all.
June 20
Brownie is Capwell! He blurted out it today and did not even notice. Now many things become clear. His stepmother died six weeks ago, and his father buried himself in work. Poor guy... but he has the golden heart.
June 25
Larry upset because my "disappearances" and he trying to press me. I cannot risk opening him the truth. My twin has too explosive temper. But the girls become happier, Mary have been asking me to go with her to the beach and have the family picnic. Later we will do, now I have not enough strength.
July 1
With Browne, I'm beginning to forget that I'm adult. I feel like I'm splitting apart and one part feels as a boy, and other often reminds me that I'm the married man with two little daughters.
Mason stopped to read. Now he feels the same emotions when he thought about Chris. Some part of him remembered Chris as the boy from his childhood, whom he never saw, and other part realizing that the boy was actually the adult as Mason is now.
Or may be Brownie is too serious with his non-children problems? If he is the early matured boy? Either way, there is no doubt that these meetings are necessary for both of us. Just don't want to think that its will ended sooner or later.
July 7
The picnic on the beach. My baby girls were just happy! No matter that I was almost fainting from exhaustion. I think I was cheated Teddy, but Larry looked frankly suspicious. I just sorry that I had to reject the meeting with Brown. No, we still have time.
July 14
Again my chemo is going on. What a bad thing! And Larry was right there — yesterday he waited for the good moment and finally pulled out of me with whom I meet. It was funny to look at his face when he realized that this is not some kind of beauty in the motel, but the teen. He tortured me for half an hour if he is my illegitimate son! Huh! Well, Larry always judges by his own doing.
July 17
Today I and Browne met again... I'm beginning to feel hatred toward his father. He turns the life of his older son in hell. Truly, this is life in a golden cage, which is inside the dank and damp. We were not very happy family, but I cannot even imagine how he lives with his life and never known about other versions. His mother left out by the claim of his father and even never visits him. The father is deeply in his grief and notices only the children of his second wife. Brownie's only friend — the Capwell's housekeeper but she can not replace the family for him. His siblings are quite little children, and too well understand their superiority over him in the eyes of their father. If Brownie was the different boy, he could be grew angry and began to vent his anger at everyone and everything. But he is... the golden boy with a heart of gold. Yes, he is no angel, but his soul is light.
July 24
I must admit that Larry's words touched my heart. I would like to have a son, such as Brownie. My little girls are miracle, but for men it is so important to have the son... I think I realized it just now, when already too late to talk about it. I only have my golden boy.
Mason slammed the diary; the tears were burning eyes, threatening to pour out. Undulating lines overturned soul. But he had to finish.
July 27
Larry told Teddy about Brownie. After unsuccessful attempts to force me to abandon mine and Brownie's meetings, he decided that my wife can do it. He did not know Teddy! Fortunately, she got up on my side and told me that if I need it, I can meet with anyone I want. Teddy, you have no idea how much this means to me. I really love you. You gave me so much; you have nothing to blame yourself. You gave birth to my beautiful daughters. But fate given me and Brownie too. I am the happiest man on earth.
August 1
The second half of chemo is always worse. Or am I just image it? Overwhelmed by heavy thoughts and doubts. Have I the right to lay Brownie? He believed me with all heart and what will happen to him when he learns the truth? It will be the blow for me when he finds out, but I'm adult. And he does not trust people even now. If the blow hit him too badly? Maybe I'll better to disappear until everything is revealed? No, it's cowardice. I'd better tell him the truth, but when all is finished.
August 5
Another pause. Doctors are encouraging, and I begin to believe that I can go up through. Mary always something comes up to have fun with me. And Christine already trying to get up. But Brownie begun to be depressed, his younger brother always puts him be fool and liar in the eyes of their father. Trying to persuade him do not to get in troubles because I know from my experience (thanks Larry!) the rivaling he never wins. I said him that revenge is a dish best served cold... My adult part yelled that he's a boy and he might do something terrible, but I know that the golden boy will do nothing beyond tricks.
Mason remembered how he did take this advice (which was submitted as your own experience!) And smiled. This was perhaps the only time he managed to outplay Channing on his own field.
August 10
His father is too cruel to Brownie. I tend to think that we should go and talk to him. Even if he is CC Capwell, he should not be treated his own son with this way. The boy devotedly loves him.
Mary teases Larry again, happy calling him "crazy uncle". And where she heard this? Christina stands up with her feet, holding the rail bed. I must recover sooner and make sure our financial position. Insurance barely covers my medical care.
August 15
If the third time is easier? Who said that? However, it seems, I have really come to tolerate the crap that is poured into me in the hospital.
Mary complained that Larry beat her. He admitted that he slapped her for a few times. I was furious and demanded that he do not dare come near my daughter. I must protect my baby girl. And Larry let go to hell!
August 20
Almost ready to talk with CC Capwell. My hopes that with surviving though his grief he will finally notice his eldest son now are melting before my eyes. And if no one except me wants to protect Brownie, I want.
August 28
Brownie starts to withdraw into himself... I do not know what was happening, but I can guess what he thinks about his return to the boarding school. Tomorrow I will try to get the audience with His Majesty CC Capwell. And later I have the courage to tell Brownie truth about myself--
Mason turned over the page, but it was followed by clear sheets. This was the last entry in the diary. Mason slowly closed it and stared into space. Now he knew the truth. Not just about his friend, but also about himself. Duality that tormented him for all the time is disappeared now. Chris Rock and Kenneth Duvall united in the one person... Too sorry that they will never meet!
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