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Chapter 106 — Death and Guilt
"Well, that's over," flashed through Mason's mind. "The end. She realized it". A terrible emptiness suddenly formed in his head, a sense of loss overwhelmed him. In the moonlight Mary seemed heavenly and very distant.
"I did not want--" he blurted finally. "I did not aware--"
"What you did not want?" Mary puzzled asked. She walks to the couch and sit down beside him. "What are you talking?"
What's idiot! I did give myself away, but she knows nothing.
"Nothing. Never mind--"
"Mason!" Mary glared at him, and then turned his face to her. "You shut yourself off me again. Why? We already were agreed that we have no longer any secrets."
"I don't see if you're sorry that you hid Eden's recovery from me."
"It was not my secret. Can you say the same about your one?"
Mason did not answer. He was afraid of her reaction, but keep it inside was very painful. And he has not enough strength to say the truth.
"I have no secrets," he said as much as possible in a calmer tone. "It's seems to you. I'm just tired, the day was long."
"Mason, I know what it's not the truth," Mary sighed. "Even the cemetery, I saw that you feel bad. Your face was like a face of person who was signed the death sentence--"
"Maybe I was," escaped from Mason.
"Tell me," she looked into his eyes again, but he obstinately refused to meet her gaze.
"Even if it destroys everything of us?"
He felt that she froze.
"Anyway I want to know," after the pause she said. "Whatever it was. Worst of all — it is when you surround himself impenetrable wall and try to protect yourself from everyone, including me."
"Do you not think that I want to protect not me from you, but you from me?"
"Nonsense! I do not need any protection from you. Mason, please. You're scaring me."
"I do not like. But... beyond my power to tell you."
"It has something to do with my father?"
"Mary, I do not want to talk about it."
"Are you mad at me that I forced you to go at his grave?"
"No. Mary. Enough."
"And maybe that's enough to lie? You got me convinced that you're all fine, but you can not even look at me!"
Mason turned and met her gaze. But almost immediately lowered his eyes.
"Mason--"
"Okay, I--" It's actually stupid. Mason opened his mouth to lie, but unwittingly, he tore the truth: "I killed your father. Are you happy now?"
Mary gazed at him, then slowly and said: "I never heard more nonsense than this."
"Really?" Mason's face was bathed in warmth. "Your father would be alive now if he did not going to our meeting with him! He worked with my problems instead be focused on his own. My God, he even wanted to talk to my father! He was barely alive, but tried to help me even with damaging of their health."
"Do you think... do you really blame yourself for his death?" Mary looked at him in amazement. "My God! And it's came in your mind when you was at his grave, huh? That's why you look like a ghost!"
"Yes, standing near the grave, I realized that I am the murderer--"
"Stop talk like that! My father was killed by cancer, not you."
"Accepted, by both of us--"
"Mason, my father wanted your friendship by his own decision. You did not force him to do anything."
"No, but... I thought he was a boy like me and shared with him... my thoughts and feelings. With my "big" problems. Whining and complained to my father. And then listened as he complained to his one... I thought that he understands me only because that he felt the same as I do. If I knew the truth!"
"And what would you to do? Mason? If you would have turned away from him, your Chris if you knew that he was seriously ill?"
"I... I do not know. May be I would convince him to stop out meetings."
"Do you mean that you would turn him away?"
Mason scowled at her. "But he would have stayed alive."
"Clearly it's Capwell's style!" Mary shrugged shoulders. "Do you will decide for him what is better for him? Your father usually has been say like that when he justifies his actions."
"I thought you liked my father's actions."
"Sometimes, but not in such cases."
"Your uncle Larry said that he hated me for what I did to his brother."
"Even without knowing anything about you, Uncle Larry wanted to kill you, wanting to make "better only" for me."
"And now he has the very good reason to wish my death. And your mother too."
"Nonsense! My mother doesn't hate you!"
"I saw how she looked at me today," Mason shook his head. "I'm sure she remembered who I was for her husband."
"Yes. You were his Golden Boy.
Mason's face contorted. "Stop it."
"My father used to call you when he's talking with his brother. It was his right?"
"It was, yes. And mine — to call him Chris. Mary... let's not talk about it. Later you will see that I am right."
"No," Mary shook her head so that her hair flew off and flashed in the moonlight. "I already can see everything. You blame yourself for something that gave my father another reason to fight against the disease and to live. And did you not think he would have lived shorter without your friendship? What it gave him more strength?"
"I do not think so. He had your mother, you and Christie. Why he had me anyway?"
"I can not say. But I am sure that your friendship was necessary for both of you. And not just you. What my father did not come to your cave, out of pity, as you hint."
"You're sure... but you're not Chris."
Mason got up.
"Thank you," he embraced her, pressed his face against her hair. "Thanks that you're not alienate me. I went crazy with guilt."
"Thank you that you decided to tell me the truth. I understand why it was so hard for you. But I really do not think you're guilty. My father was killed by his illness. Not you. Now let's go to sleep, huh? I beginning to think this day would never end... And do you know what?"
"What?" It is the whisper.
"I love you."
"Did you hear what you said?"
"I love you. I. Love. You."
"Thank you for being the person you are. I love you too--"
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